How the re-emerging of the Feminine benefits ALL of humanity

There has been a lot of talk about the return of the Divine Feminine. I’ve been getting the same question over and over again; what does the (return of the) Divine Feminine actually stand for?

Our world is a polarity world. There’s no dark without light, no cold without warm, no down without up, no MASCULINE without FEMININE.
In a perfect world, we would live in a harmonious state between feminine and masculine energy.

The return of the Divine Feminine is essentially a new mythology for challenging the existing patriarchal structures and for the expanding of our consciousness.
It speaks of a change in our attitude toward nature, out planet and our bodies.
To release the Goddess is to cultivate a relationship to the deep cosmic source of our psychic lives and come to care for all creation.

Definitions of the feminine and masculine

Wait, refresh my memory; what defines as masculine and what as feminine energy?
Just to clarify; masculine energy is Very different from toxic masculinity.

Toxic masculinity holds cultural norms that are associated with harm to society and to men themselves. Traditional stereotypes of men as socially dominant, along with related traits such as misogyny and homophobia, can be considered "toxic" due in part to their promotion of violence, including sexual assault and domestic violence.
The socialization of boys often normalizes violence, such as in the saying "boys will be boys" with regard to bullying and aggression.

Self-reliance and emotional repression go hand in hand with increased psychological problems in men such as depression, increased stress, and substance abuse

Healthy masculinity, on the other hand, means being honest with oneself about your own feelings, needs and desires. It also means treating all others with the kindness and respect that they deserve. Healthy masculinity means not using your size, strength, or power to get what you want from others.

OK, now that’s clarified, let’s continue with what feminine and masculine energy stand for.

The masculine in found in clarity, direction, consciousness, purpose, trustworthiness, presence, stability, calm, depth, leadership, structure, awareness.

The feminine exists in energy, intuition, creation, heart, love, playfulness, grief, invitation, rage, sexuality, nurturing, pleasure, feeling, chaos.

The true essence of the feminine is not bound by rules or order. She exists in a freedom that is full of potential. Doesn’t that sound exciting?
Perhaps scary to others.. hence why she’s been suppressed for thousands of years!

Embracing chaos

In our patriarchal society, we relate to chaos as a state of disintegration, rather than a state of transformation. We have failed to acknowledge the inherent order it contains because its nature is creative rather than linear – it is not to be imposed, it is to EMERGE.

Altered states of consciousness (be it psychedelic journeys, drumming circles, embodiment breath-work) embrace chaos and its transformative potential and teach us it is a valued state in our process; we are taken apart and then put back together. Chaos gives birth to a new order that is of greater complexity than before, a step further in our evolutionary journey.
In order to gain LIFE, we have to make space by the destruction of life that no longer serves us, where the ego will take a little beating.
Destruction that is in service to life, gives creation. (Anyone familiar with the goddess Kali; this is where she loooves doing her ego-death work!)

Patriarchy has also been in conflict with psychedelics. It has traditionally favored substances that maintain boundaries, create a mindless state, and support the status quo. States of altered consciousness deliver us to the land of ambiguity, helping us question what it all means and why things are as they are.
Feminine consciousness, when intermingled with psychedelic knowledge, carries and reveals the essence of inclusivity, interconnectedness and balance.

We have been scared into fearing the expansion of our very own consciousness; our birthright and portal to growth.

The Place Beyond

In our Western world, we focus on language, which is the ordered and rational container of experience – a masculine principle. The realms beyond that space belong to the feminine, and there we meet that which is beyond words.
The worlds we hold the feminine in, control her essence and energies.
By holding the feminine in words like irrational, emotional, hysterical, subjective and chaotic, we have linked her with energies that our societies have always feared and tried to control. However, the word feminine refers to the soul. It is a reference to the cosmic thread that connects us to each other and to the rest of creation. It acknowledges our interconnectedness and place within a cosmic sacred order, linking us to life and the Divine.

Feminine Knowing is intuitive, nonlinear and informed by the creative source. Our culture may have neglected and avoided this deep knowledge, but this intelligence of the invisible has never left us.

The Feminine is all of us

Patriarchy is a paranoid state of consciousness that tries to suppress any potential for power or anything that threatens its structures. It has actively waged a war against both the feminine and altered stated of consciousness.
It’s a power system that breeds unjust hierarchical power relations, teaching us that our value as a person is linked to our position in its structures. We adopt its worldview, wear our weapons and come to believe that we actually are what we appear to be.
Today’s patriarchy’s attack on the feminine is a collective responsibility. We are part of a culture that attacks nature and the feminine in all of us.

We all have to delve deep within ourselves and recognize where we have played our part in her oppression and betrayed her essence. In our masculine culture we have lost our knowledge and connection to her ancient mystery traditions and have denied her wisdom in the rational and scientific world we have created and surrounded ourselves with.
By dissecting the essence of the feminine and throwing its essential elemental patterns away, we have deprived ourselves of the potential of connecting with the feminine wholeness; the unifying principle of creation.

Men have also been wounded and alienated from patriarchy’s attacks on the feminine. The devaluing of the feminine has damaged the feminine within men, because we all hold a part of that archetype within our psychic depths. Patriarchy has also alienated men from the feminine outside themselves, by splitting them between their need to idealize the feminine and their fearful need to dominate and control her.

The Feminine and the Masculine in our world are out of balance. Re-balancing their polarities doesn’t only benefit women; it benefits All of us. We are all made out of feminine and masculine energy and will all profit from choosing the role that fits us Naturally, not obligatory.

Being a feminist in this realm therefore carries a different meaning; it means acknowledging a dis-balance in all of us. It recognizes the suppression of the feminine as a spiritual issue we must all face.

Like Brene Brown said; 'we can’t fix a species that’s – perhaps forgotten- spiritual at it’s core, with political or economical solutions.'
A world that is not connected to the soul can not heal.

Where in your life have you adopted unhealthy, toxic masculine or feminine traits? Watch closely, most unbalances lie in the more subtle matters.

We all hold each other within ourselves.

Love, Cor


Provence Retreat

The beginning of this month, we concluded our third retreat and BOY, was it amazing!

Twelve goddesses from all corners of the world brought an amazingly joyous, brave and beaming energy to the circle.

We started the circle as strangers and left the weekend not wanting to leave the deep connections we’d made.

There is such power in creating a safe and free space, one without judgement. 

A space to share

To dance freely 

To sing

To walk in silence

To start the day with a long Vinyasa flow

To share meals

To breathe through barriers

To laugh 

To speak up

To listen

To surprise ourselves 

To be inspired

To raise the energy

To UNLEASH our fire 
The theme of the weekend was to always choose from the heart, not to give into resistance. Not an easy topic!
They left the old French farm-villa with a radiance, empowerment and goddess consciousness in their eyes.

As Polly, an attendant at the weekend put it so beautifully: “You have a lot to be proud of ! Like the aftershocks of an earthquake, all the discoveries will resonate deep within our souls”.
 We already miss all of the ladies who attended! What a gorgeous group.

Love, Cor 


You might not see it...

You might not see it

but I have wings

I soar the skies

observing from above

You might not see it

but I have wings

I hover slightly above the Earth

my mother, as I walk

You might not see it

but I have wings

I am always ready

to take off, on my own flight 

You might not see it

but I have wings

even though feathers have fallen

in the battle for my soul 

my span is strong and wide

able to carry you


You might not see it

but I have wings



This shot was taken by our very own Jess during the Ecstatic Dance workshop at our last retreat in Devon, UK.

At Cor, we believe in the power of dance, of movement, of embodiment. 

Ecstatic dance, like Embodiment Breath-work, is an EMBODIED workshop. 

Sure, we all need a seated practice to focus the mind. A more ‘manly’, structured practice to calm that nutty monkey mind of ours..

It’s so very important! 

But, spirituality is not only about being zen and calm. It’s also about EMBODIMENT! A letting gooooo of the mind. Letting your body show you the way. Letting your body tell you what it wants to let go of. 

Peeling of those layers of politeness, those little masks we’ve adopted along the course of our lives..

It’s the body that connects to the soul, not the intellect.

Here, we’re letting go of the mind, going into the heart, into the body, where our soul resides.

How freeing it is to trust the body!

To listen to the wisdom of the heart!

Below a little paragraph on ecstatic dance from the book - Psychedelic Mysteries of the Feminine.

 “We learn how to get out from the cultural spells cast by patriarchy and the unconscious self-doubt and fears they have sown into us. Many woman have a hard time relaxing into sacred dance because the external gaze weighs on them so heavily. 

This is why ecstatic dance is one of the pathways for releasing old wounds. 

This form of dance is a way of praying with the body; transforming ourselves on material as well as psychic levels.

We can do this alone and in community. It is a powerful way to uncover our authentic essence and to live it fully. 

In this we break free of social conditioning to reclaim our wildness and oldness of spirit. “

We can’t wait to dance with the mysterious goddesses who will form our next Cor Circle to the point of forgetting who we are and become wild with divinity together. We dance and we shed till we are free again.

Dance from your toes

Your grounding

Dances from your hips

Your sensuality

Dance from your belly

Your softness

Dance from your heart

Your fire

Dance from your fingertips

Your reaching out

Dance from your head

Your letting go



At Cor, we highly value nutrition.

We cook our organic, vegetarian meals with love and care. We believe in a diet based on healthy fats, lots of protein, veggies, fruits and whole grains.

But we see food not only as fuel for your body, we look further.

The phrase, “you are what you eat” is literally true. Nutrients from the foods you eat provide the foundation of the structure, function, and integrity of every little cell in your body, from your skin and hair to your muscles, bones, digestive and immune systems.

Yet eating healthily and buying the right products doesn’t end with merely choosing healthy food.

In a capitalist society, you vote with what you buy. (Give that one a thought..)

You’re not only buying the finished product, you’re also agreeing to the process of how it’s been made.

The workers or children who’re putting in the labor, the use of chemicals or the choice of natural fertilizers, if the product is local or if it has to fly in from far away, if Mother Earth is exploited or cared for, if animals are respected during the process or being treated as things, undergoing enormous emotional and physical pain..

I know this sounds like a lot to take into account and we can’t be saints with everything we buy, but it’s our duty as people with a sense of consciousness to lead the way.

It might take some time to figure out which products are legitimate and which one carry a load of ‘bad karma’ along, but doesn’t it always feel good to take responsibility for your life? Buying products that have caused the least amount of suffering? Making careful decisions always brings us closer to ourselves instead of making us feel estranged from Who We Really Are.

Overall, buying organic food and skin products that are mostly natural (don’t put on your skin what you wouldn’t put in your mouth;) are the cleanest way to go.

‘Organic’ and ‘natural’ are, after all, reminders of the way things were before we started messing with food, condoned abusing animals and adding chemical processes to our meals.

Before consuming your food, take a moment to think of all the little processes it’s been through to get to your plate. The labor, the love, the hours of ripening in the sun, the water it used to grow.

And appreciate


the food on your plate,

the process it’s been through,

the energy it will

give you.

Give thanks,

for you are so lucky to be able

to choose so widely.

Love, Cor


Femine embodiment: breathwork .

This practice, as apposed to silent meditation, is embodied. .

Both practices will silence the mind; one is the focusing of the mind to let the voice of the soul come through and the other the letting go of the mind, into the body, to awaken your raw essence. .

Here, you can take of your mask, go through the bullshit and into that raw diamond heart of yours. .

We will be connecting to our ‘Kali’ energy. Kali is the Hindu goddess who was at the beginning of creation. She is the embodiment of feminine energy, creativity and fertility. (In Hawaiian mythology, she is ‘Pele’; goddess of fire and volcano’s and creator of the islands.) She’s often seen as the ‘divine mother’ and depicted as a killer of the ego, a protector of the non-illusory self. .

I feel Kali energy when I roar on the inside, then my wild but kind female shines through. You are part of ‘Kali’ energy. .

For thousands of years, men have been intimidated by the power of the feminine fire/creativity. It’s been sold, suppressed, squashed for so many years. .

It’s time for the feminine. We are the generations who are blessed with the freedom of expression. To be who we truly and wholeheartedly are. It. Is. Time! But it has to roar first before it can be calmer.

That said, feminine fire is also for the men among us. In fact, many men could use the opening of their (be it smaller) feminine fire. . 

Embodiment practice brings you back to that innate intuition of yours. As apposed to outwards, we start looking internally for answers.

Your body knows. And it’s all available to you. It wants you to know you deeply, through its profound wisdom and power. .

Dance closely to yourself. Your body is your vehicle. Get to know it, embrace it, celebrate it. You are your own healer.


I will never make myself small again...

A while ago I wrote a little poem:


‘I will never

make myself smaller,

ever again,

for someone else’s 



And I find I have to keep going back to this mantra, again and again and again. 

Making yourself smaller for someone else’s comfort is such a tricky, sneaky little one. 

I used to do so to fit a lover’s needs. Now I notice it in how much I show of myself when people skeptically inquire about my spiritual journey or when, last week, someone pointed out if it’s not ‘a bit much’ that I’m modeling, working on a cooking book, working as an artist and co-running Cor.

F*ck that. 

I can. 

I can, because I do them wholeheartedly. 

I can, because my purpose is to transform things I encounter through my creativity. 

I can, because my purpose is to let what inspires and teaches me touch other people.

When I’m not living up to my purpose, I am not honoring what I came here on earth to do. 

Me not claiming my power harms not only me, but everyone around me. Because when my heart is full and my energy Beaming, I can fully share my gifts with the world. .

This means facing my shyness, giving myself a kick in the butt sometimes. This means some people may like it and others may not. It may mean being celebrated And judged.

I by no means encourage you to be bitchy, but it might very possibly include making others feel uncomfortable.

Embracing your innate power and sharing your FULLNESS with the world may be intimidating for certain people, but this is non of your business. Your business is to trust your path and stay focused! The people who are meant to be on your path will be drawn to you magnetically!

I’d like to add ‘or for my Own comfort’ to this little poem as well. .


When I avoid standing in my full power

When I pretend I am less then I am

When I don’t love the whole of my body

When I don’t use my voice to speak my truth

I am not serving anyone.

Not the world, the animals, nature

and mostly not, myself.


Where are You keeping yourself small? Where are you putting ‘yeah, but’s’ in your thoughts?

These are the type of questions we Love to dissect at Cor. Digging into, till we get to the Cor of them.. all the way till there’s nothing left.


The Illusion of Identity

We’re often taught that if we build strong identities and work hard, we’ll be successful in life, that that’s the key!
More and more, I witness this being an illusion. People strive to feel self-confident through their last name, their diplomas, their status, their friends, their achievements, their nationality, their children, their lovers..
When asked Who They Are, they’ll answer; my name is so and so, my parents are so and so, I studied this and now I’m working here. And my dog’s name is Wodan.
I once asked someone what he thought was behind identity and he replied; ‘nothing.’
When he returned the question, I answered: ‘everything.’
I ask you to close your eyes for a moment, take a deep breath and feel the part of you that’s timeless, limitless. The part that Is and always will be.
Just being open to it often makes it easy to feel that part of yourself. But so many people aren’t open to receive, open to see! They’re addicted to thinking, addicted to the rational mind, to the intellect. So used to being in control of their lives, under the illusion that all is separate and what is YOU as identity has to be the director of your life.
That success lies in achievements and material possessions. But this kind of success will never satisfy, never end, never stop. It’s a trap.
What would your life look like if you’d see that Success only lies in the Quality of your Attention at any given moment. Think about it. What would your experience of this moment be? How would it change your outlook on life?
Isn’t that the ultimate success?
Wouldn’t that be a relieve?
And wouldn’t it also be a relieve to experience identity merely as a way to play the game of this world, as apposed to something solid, unchangeable?
Simply a tool to use to your liking, as apposed to Who You Are?
It may seem scary in the beginning to initiate the change, because you’re so used to your idea of the value of your identity. You’ve been taught that is what you are and what you’ll be opening up to is the Unknown. And as beautiful as that space may be, you’ll also have to face your illusions, meet your shadows.
I won’t tell you that it’s easy, I won’t tell you it isn’t hard. But I will tell you this; if these words somehow resonate to some part of your being, it’s the best journey you’ll ever take. Take a step, just a step in the direction of opening up. Take a step by deciding to be open to receive.
And once you start waving goodbye to the idea of your identity, you’ll see that you don’t have to do it all by yourself, that you Can’t do it all yourself. That SPIRIT works through you, that you are carried.
Or like Terrence McKenna pointed out so neatly;
“Nature loves CORage, it will lift you up... Hurl yourself into the abyss and discover it’s a feather bed.”


Women's Circle

The women

came together

formed a circle

Shared, sang, danced, breathed, screamed, sat in silence and laughter together

A space of encouragement 

of strength 

of non-judgement

And their fire

their power

their love

flooded their

Mother Earth 

with endless light




and radiance 

The power

of fearless


The power

of The Feminine



A word we so often hear. 

Someone’s energy, feeling energy, connecting to energy.. But what is this energy and how do we relate to it?

I just finished reading The Celestine Prophecy; an adventure story that takes you on a quest to find an ancient Peruvian manuscript that holds very powerful spiritual insights.

All the insights are related to ENERGY and it describes how the human world is a vast competition for energy and thus power.

“This is what human conflict has always been about, at every level from all petty conflict in families and employment settings to wars between nations. It’s the result of feeling insecure and weak and having to steal someone’s energy to feel okay. When we get others to agree to our view, they identify with us and that pulls their energy into us and we feel stronger. So the problem is that everyone is trying to control and manipulate each other for energy, because we feel short of it.”

So we are stuck in this COMPETITION for each other’s energy. Not a good situation..

But there is a solution, another source of energy! A HIGHER SOURCE. A type of energy that lacks any kind of competition, a kind of energy that is always there for us to tap into, at any given time. A sort of energy that always is and never diminishes. ⠀⠀

We can transcend this conflict by transforming our understanding of ENERGY within the physical universe.

Can you make yourself feel full again instead of turning to your boyfriend for attention?

Can you dance, breathe, feel, sit and sing through a moment of dispair?

Can you ask the Universe to guide your heart when your brain is aching for a quick answer?

Can you trust life’s path, surrendering to it’s ups and downs?

Can you lay on the floor, arms wide, eyes closed, opening up to whatever guidance you’re receiving? ⠀⠀

Can you love again and again and again, knowing that beyond the pain, there’s always more love to love?

Can you feel the gift of nature, it’s purity and limitless ability to heal and remind you of the GREAT BEAUTY that’s all around you?


Screen Shot 2019-07-02 at 15.23.56.png

We are Melinte and Sarah

We are Cor

We are business partners 

We are friends

Who make each other laugh till they fall on the floor

Who don’t hide away from each other’s shadows

We are witches (the very white ones)

Who respect each other’s process 

Who stimulate one another’s path

We are a part of Gaia

We are on a mission

To connect

To heal

To love

To roar

To share

To open you up to your own shadows 

To cast more light on them

And make all of you laugh so hard

at your own gorgeous flaws

your incredulous interconnectivity 

at the superfluous BEAUTY


you’ll fall on the floor

laughing as well..

Love, Cor .


The Masculine and The Feminine; it’s all in you

There’s much talk about The Masculine, about The Feminine.
There might also not be a topic with so much misconception.
So I figured it would be a nice and juicy topic to write about..
When asked what The Feminine stands for, many answer; soft, flowery, sweet.
When asked what The Masculine stands for; muscly, not vulnerable, tough.
What a small minded way of looking at this beautiful polarity in the world! Don’t we owe it to ourselves as a species to further investigate this topic?
Which parts of you actually are masculine? Which are feminine? Which are masculine by choice and which have you adopted?
To start with one clarification; we All have The Feminine in us and we All house The Masculine aspect too. The balance of this polarity is different for each and every one of us. Our quest is to find the balance that is just right, for us.
To give you an idea about the feminine and masculine energies:
The Feminine is all the feelings, the Energy, creation, heart.
The Masculine is structure, consciousness, clarity, purpose..
I, for instance, am a very feminine woman in spirit and in my sexuality. Yet my emotional body can be quite masculine. Even though I’m very sensitive, I tend to weigh out what’s wisest to do instead of acting from emotion, I can have a focused/structured mind when I have my eyes on something and I tend to want to always solve things myself. All in all, I’m pretty happy with this package, yet there were aspects I had to work on to balance out.
My natural tendency to lead and be independent and not always express my vulnerability have made people (men, mostly..) feel as if they didn’t know how to get close to me, not knowing how to lead me. I've had some very tough nights on Ayahuasca to cut the stubborn cords in the linage of women in my family in order to let go of the ‘I can do anything myself and am always strong’ kinda vibe. It helped me get to a more surrendering, softer part of myself.
Now, I’ll always be a fiery one and that’s totally fine. Just, ‘adjusting’ my masculine/feminine ratio has truly helped me feel more like myself and let people feel me more.
Which parts if you need some sweet and juicy adjusting?
Rebalancing yin/yang 

My guess is it will be healthy for the planet and it’s people to adopt about 90% more ‘feminine’ aspects then there will be more masculinity to add. Why is this ratio still so out of balance?
For thousands of years, men have been intimidated by the power of The Feminine fire/creativity. They’ve been afraid of the strength of The Feminine energy, overwhelmed by the chaos it can bring, the feelings it may arise.
It’s been sold, suppressed, squashed for so many years!

That’s why it’s time for The Feminine. We are the generations who are blessed with the freedom of expression. To be who we truly and wholeheartedly are. It. Is. Time! But it has to roar first before it can be calmer.
That said, feminine fire is also for the men among us. In fact, many men could use the opening of their (be it smaller) feminine fire.
What does it mean to fully embody the Divine Feminine in this sleeping world?
It means being unafraid to feel the depth of rage in a world that has told you to keep sweet and quiet and neat and tidy.
It means following your fierce reactions to be fuel for change on the planet, fuel for the awakening of all.
It means letting your light shine bright even if it may temporarily sting someone else’s eyes.
It means feeling the depth of your joy even when it hurts to let love in.
It means being raw and real and getting uncomfortable.
It means being “too much.”
Too sensitive
Too beautiful
Too fiery
Too sexy
Too dreamy
Too different
This is the healing process; the glorious purification process.
We came to wake up
Open up
and re-wild ourselves. To be that which WE ALREADY ARE
under the 2500 years of patriarchal pain and conditioning.
We are here to experience LOVE and JOY in our BODY, using our body as a sacred temple, our vehicle for magic and change in the world. 
We are here to open the lit to our limitless creative potential
We are here to feel the love in our heart, again and again and again
We are here to embrace our wild fire
We are here to rebalance The Masculine and The Feminine
It is the task for both men and women to create this change. At Cor, we are dedicated to guiding you into a less mind-controlled, more heart-felt version of yourself.
Are you joining us in the revolution of The Feminine?



On the 26th of June, we flew to Malaga where we drove off to the mountains, to a very special place called Amoraleza to drink a spiritual medicine, Ayahuasca. 

The WE consisted of me, Melinte and my fiance Jack, Sarah, Lian (who was at our last retreat) and her wonderful boyfriend Harry. (Who is in a band called “waiting for smith” check it out he is really good.)

On our drive, whilst nibbling on carrots and cucumbers, we discuss our bland diet for the past two weeks and how challenging it has been. But the diet and becoming conscious about what you put inside your body is a crucial part in preparation before drinking the medicine. As well as an intense detox, (which helps in vomiting less during the ceremony if you can commit to this part, because the medicine will work itself through your body trying to rid it of any impurities) you also start to realize how much you count on those habitual things like coffee and sugary treats for pleasure and comfort. So by following the diet,  you already begin your inward journey.

There is a nervous anticipation within all of us, about what we have decided to embark on. 

Although Sarah is also excited, she has drunk many times before and has deeply connected with mother Ayahuasca.

I have done it one time and despite the fact I had a beautiful trip I am still so fucking scared.

When we arrive at Amoraleza we are met by Gabriel, who seems like a nice chap that is sorting out the logistics of the retreat. At that moment we have ZERO idea about the magnitude of the magic this man possesses.

We are the first ones to arrive, but feel very happy we have this time to settle in before the ceremony begins. We speak with Lorenzo and Veronika, a beautiful couple and the masterminds behind Amoraleza, who have devoted their lives to the Santo Daime church and are very disciplined in their devotion to the medicine. They live in the Sierra Nevada mountains and have four beautiful children. 

Our time on their land is very special. When the kids come out to play there is no way of escaping them. I feel an underlying anxiety of what is to come, but the kids make sure to keep us light and joyful. They have zero filters and just want to play.

We are being fed delicious vegan food and there is an unlimited supply of watermelons. Slurping away on a piece, Gabriel comes and sits with me and Jack and asks a question. This turns into a long and beautiful conversation that I will never forget. 

Just by listening to him something happens inside me, I feel myself welling up. He speaks from the depth of his heart straight into my soul. I tell him that I got cancer last year and he tells me something very simple, but it moved me to my cor. 

He said: disease is disconnection.

I want to cry because I know this is it. Gabriel just illuminated my painful truth of feeling disconnected and despite being very confused about why exactly I feel so disconnected. I know for certain it was the reason why I got cancer. 

Sometimes the biggest obstacles are detours in the right direction. My cancer was a gift which let me to the opportunity to really wake up and find out my truth. 

And this is why I decided to do Ayahuasca, although at this moment I have absolutely no idea how Mother Ayahuasca is going to give me the answers.

The day of the ceremony arrives and we are all dressed in white as this represents purity. We queue to enter the dome and are all cleansed with Palo Santo by Gabriel before taking our place within the circle. 

We begin with a sharing circle where we can share something about ourselves or an intention we have prepared for the ceremony.

My intention is, to connect to my soul, to see my light and with that I will trust mama Ayahuasca to show me my strength and with that strength I will surrender to the healing process, to face my shadows to release fear filled and negative self believes. I intend to learn through wisdom and love and find a balance between my head and my heart. 

My intention is way to long… I thought about it long and hard, so keen to get it right.

Veronika, shares and reminds us about the importance of allowing the medicine to do her work and so to have an intention on receiving her with an open heart.

The ceremony begins, and we all drink the first cup. Gabriel starts singing and it’s as if he is directly channeling the sounds. I know now it’s not as if. He was. 

It becomes very clear to me why he has the ability to speak from such a place of love and wisdom. He is so deeply connected. During the course of the ceremony, he cleansed people of their bad energy and I was stunned to see a light-worker so powerfully, so dutifully at work.

I have a very hard time letting go as it comes on so strong and I am like WOWWW okay, so this is why we came to Spain, this is what we have come here to do. Holy Fuck, I try so hard to control what ever I can control, but it’s slipping through my fingers. Everything I believed my reality to be is dissolving. And this is why I am so afraid.

I am being introduced to a female spirit with an energetic force that is so powerful I feel as if I wont be able to take it at times.

I can’t even remember my full intention so I decide to repeat; I receive you with an open heart I receive you with an open heart…

I don’t know weather I need to vomit or shit myself, I am so restless I decide I need the toilet. There is no way I can go alone because I have zero bearings in space and time right now. I am also way too scared to go to the toilets alone. I ask Veronika, who tells me to ask Gabriel to accompany me. 

He has taken a break from singing and is sitting by the fire when I whisper; “would you mind walking me to the toilet?” He replies; “no problem”. 

Before we go, he looks at me and says we are now walking on the sacred land of our foremothers and fathers. I say “okay” with a trembling open mouth and off we go. 

Very, very slowly step by step, we walk The floor is lighting up beneath my feet, but I am too afraid to look up in fear of what I will see. I focus on our steps and I am overcome by a feeling of trust. I trust Gabriel on such an intense level and although he is walking me to the toilet, I realize he is guiding me into my trip. 

When we get there (which could have lasted a lifetime, I don’t know) he looks at me and says; “take your time.”

On our way back I purge several times and each time he waits patiently and says; “the cleaning…”

That is all he needs to say and although it comes out bright red it doesn’t scare me; I know exactly what he means and I feel it has to come out. Most people in the group purged and were faced by immense difficulty and I feel so smug I had Gabriel to myself just for little while. It’s what I needed. 

When I arrive back on my mattress I fully surrender and I connect to a universal consciousness of love and beauty. I feel my soul so deeply. I start sobbing. I sob and sob and repeat “mama, mama.” I feel I am being looked after by her. It all makes sense. Mama, the giver of life. 

She feels so pure and I experience a heightened sense of beauty with all the energy that I am seeing. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now but right here feeling my soul and connecting to the Universe.

I could write and write but I have to wrap it up. I will leave you with this. 

Once we start to perceive the world beyond what we can see, hear, taste, touch and smell,

when we fully accept there is a non-physical reality and allow ourselves to get into the wonder and the magnificence of the guidance that is around us and within us, that is when we truly start living.

I’d like to leave you with a paragraph of a mind-expanding book that I am reading called The Celestine Prophecy. 

Four centuries ago we shook off our own feeling of being lost by taking matter into own hands, by focusing on conquering the Earth and using its resources to better our own situation, and only now can we see what happened. Our focus gradually became a preoccupation. We totally lost ourselves in creating a secular security, an economic security to replace the spiritual one we lost. The question of why we were alive, of what was actually going on here spiritually, was slowly pushed aside and repressed altogether. 

Working to establish a more comfortable style of survival has grown to feel complete in and of itself as a reason to live, and we’ve gradually, methodically, forgotten our original question… 


Harassing Husband

Last week, I was working in Munich for a couple of days and as much fun as jet-setting might sound, it isn’t always the case. 

It was boiling hot outside, I was shooting winter-jackets, the call-time was 6 am and to top that off, the entire team was new and all incredibly insecure and nervous about doing a good job and hooking this client.

The atmosphere was tense and pressed. I’m not new to modeling, so I automatically go into a bit of an energy-protection mode, attempting to make people laugh here and there and just do a good job. So far, nothing I couldn’t handle.

But this wasn’t all. The photographer had taken her husband to set to serve as one of the two assistants. One guy was shading me and he was bouncing the sunlight in my face. (Yes, try and keep your eyes open for a pretty picture hah)

He was a handsome man, mid-forties and highly charismatic. We clicked – him being from South Africa and me who’d been going there for over twelve years.

‘Pfewww’, I thought to myself. ‘This might not be too bad after all.’

It started with constant comments such as; ‘such a lovely girl’, ‘yes, we want that beautiful smile of yours’, ‘hmm amazing’, ‘you’re so good Sarah.’ I wasn’t offended by his comments; I just found them very odd and unnecessary. I don’t need someone encourage me with every shot. Besides that, the photographer was giving me directions like; ‘you’re on holiday and you see your boyfriend!’ I found it all absolutely hilarious, but I’m not fifteen any more (and less funny with twelve hours shooting to come) so I told the photographer there were too many voices on set and that I’d like to communicate to Her when shooting, but nothing changed. 

The more hours passed, the more exhausted and warm I became, the more inappropriate his comments got. After lunch, he started saying things like; ‘oh, this is a great spot to stand. I can see your ass perfectly from here’, ‘now it’s time for a leg picture with these shorts. You gotta show me your legs. Ah yes, you showed me your legs perfectly.’ And to his wife; ‘can I flirt with her? I can, can’t I?’ I could go on. His wife never called him out on anything. But the most disappointing thing; neither did I. 

He’d say things when he was standing close to me, taking up the space constantly. At first, I’d say something smart back but the more tired I got, the quieter I became. I just started avoiding his gaze, ignored him or looked angrily. 

It was only when I called my boyfriend and told him what was going on, that I truly realized what a creep he was being. I felt so stuck between trying to keep a good atmosphere on set and my uncomfortable feelings that I didn’t have clear boundaries. 

When I got to my hotel, I cried. I know, it’s good to have a cry! But it’s a rare thing for me. Something had evidently crossed my line. I felt disappointed in myself, Yes, disappointed. I see myself as a strong woman, yet I hadn’t been. 

Why didn’t I tell him his comments were out of line and that it was making me feel uncomfortable? Why didn’t I have a clear boundary when he went from being flirty to being objectifying?  

I can have some compassion for myself, seeing that it was a very tough day and that’s it hard to have clear boundaries when you’re not in your full strength and in a professional situation. Yet it doesn’t really change things.

Is there still something in me that feels the woman that is being perceived as ‘too loud’, ‘too outspoken’?

Is there a part of me who feels ‘responsible’ when the other crosses the line from friendliness to objectifying in a female-male connection? Do I still have some place where I choose ‘harmony’ over ‘authenticity’?

Writing this down still makes me mad. It makes me mad because I felt stuck in this situation, for the entire day, between being professional on this set, being ‘just the model’ and speaking up.

My heart is too fiery to not speak up.

My gut too wise to quiet my truth.

Next time, I will speak up.

Next time, I won’t have it.

Because these men and these situations go from bad to worse. 

These lines are fine.

Fine lines to cross.

And it’s up to us women, to draw the lines.

To demand being respected.

Too not shrink away.

To know our value.

To know our worth.

To be spoken to in the way we deserve.

To be touched in the way we want.

If you ever find yourself in a situation like that and that horrible feeling starts creeping up on you, that feeling of not being in control, I pray that you do. I pray that you take control. Because you never have to make yourself smaller for someone else’s dirty comfort.

Yesterday, I was flying back home from Nice. When the guy who checks your hand-luggage asked me; ‘wow, are all the girls in Holland this beautiful?’ After a second of feeling that fire boiling up, I decided I could let this one slide. Not more, but alright. ‘Yes’. I said. ‘They all are’.