On the 26th of June, we flew to Malaga where we drove off to the mountains, to a very special place called Amoraleza to drink a spiritual medicine, Ayahuasca. 

The WE consisted of me, Melinte and my fiance Jack, Sarah, Lian (who was at our last retreat) and her wonderful boyfriend Harry. (Who is in a band called “waiting for smith” check it out he is really good.)

On our drive, whilst nibbling on carrots and cucumbers, we discuss our bland diet for the past two weeks and how challenging it has been. But the diet and becoming conscious about what you put inside your body is a crucial part in preparation before drinking the medicine. As well as an intense detox, (which helps in vomiting less during the ceremony if you can commit to this part, because the medicine will work itself through your body trying to rid it of any impurities) you also start to realize how much you count on those habitual things like coffee and sugary treats for pleasure and comfort. So by following the diet,  you already begin your inward journey.

There is a nervous anticipation within all of us, about what we have decided to embark on. 

Although Sarah is also excited, she has drunk many times before and has deeply connected with mother Ayahuasca.

I have done it one time and despite the fact I had a beautiful trip I am still so fucking scared.

When we arrive at Amoraleza we are met by Gabriel, who seems like a nice chap that is sorting out the logistics of the retreat. At that moment we have ZERO idea about the magnitude of the magic this man possesses.

We are the first ones to arrive, but feel very happy we have this time to settle in before the ceremony begins. We speak with Lorenzo and Veronika, a beautiful couple and the masterminds behind Amoraleza, who have devoted their lives to the Santo Daime church and are very disciplined in their devotion to the medicine. They live in the Sierra Nevada mountains and have four beautiful children. 

Our time on their land is very special. When the kids come out to play there is no way of escaping them. I feel an underlying anxiety of what is to come, but the kids make sure to keep us light and joyful. They have zero filters and just want to play.

We are being fed delicious vegan food and there is an unlimited supply of watermelons. Slurping away on a piece, Gabriel comes and sits with me and Jack and asks a question. This turns into a long and beautiful conversation that I will never forget. 

Just by listening to him something happens inside me, I feel myself welling up. He speaks from the depth of his heart straight into my soul. I tell him that I got cancer last year and he tells me something very simple, but it moved me to my cor. 

He said: disease is disconnection.

I want to cry because I know this is it. Gabriel just illuminated my painful truth of feeling disconnected and despite being very confused about why exactly I feel so disconnected. I know for certain it was the reason why I got cancer. 

Sometimes the biggest obstacles are detours in the right direction. My cancer was a gift which let me to the opportunity to really wake up and find out my truth. 

And this is why I decided to do Ayahuasca, although at this moment I have absolutely no idea how Mother Ayahuasca is going to give me the answers.

The day of the ceremony arrives and we are all dressed in white as this represents purity. We queue to enter the dome and are all cleansed with Palo Santo by Gabriel before taking our place within the circle. 

We begin with a sharing circle where we can share something about ourselves or an intention we have prepared for the ceremony.

My intention is, to connect to my soul, to see my light and with that I will trust mama Ayahuasca to show me my strength and with that strength I will surrender to the healing process, to face my shadows to release fear filled and negative self believes. I intend to learn through wisdom and love and find a balance between my head and my heart. 

My intention is way to long… I thought about it long and hard, so keen to get it right.

Veronika, shares and reminds us about the importance of allowing the medicine to do her work and so to have an intention on receiving her with an open heart.

The ceremony begins, and we all drink the first cup. Gabriel starts singing and it’s as if he is directly channeling the sounds. I know now it’s not as if. He was. 

It becomes very clear to me why he has the ability to speak from such a place of love and wisdom. He is so deeply connected. During the course of the ceremony, he cleansed people of their bad energy and I was stunned to see a light-worker so powerfully, so dutifully at work.

I have a very hard time letting go as it comes on so strong and I am like WOWWW okay, so this is why we came to Spain, this is what we have come here to do. Holy Fuck, I try so hard to control what ever I can control, but it’s slipping through my fingers. Everything I believed my reality to be is dissolving. And this is why I am so afraid.

I am being introduced to a female spirit with an energetic force that is so powerful I feel as if I wont be able to take it at times.

I can’t even remember my full intention so I decide to repeat; I receive you with an open heart I receive you with an open heart…

I don’t know weather I need to vomit or shit myself, I am so restless I decide I need the toilet. There is no way I can go alone because I have zero bearings in space and time right now. I am also way too scared to go to the toilets alone. I ask Veronika, who tells me to ask Gabriel to accompany me. 

He has taken a break from singing and is sitting by the fire when I whisper; “would you mind walking me to the toilet?” He replies; “no problem”. 

Before we go, he looks at me and says we are now walking on the sacred land of our foremothers and fathers. I say “okay” with a trembling open mouth and off we go. 

Very, very slowly step by step, we walk The floor is lighting up beneath my feet, but I am too afraid to look up in fear of what I will see. I focus on our steps and I am overcome by a feeling of trust. I trust Gabriel on such an intense level and although he is walking me to the toilet, I realize he is guiding me into my trip. 

When we get there (which could have lasted a lifetime, I don’t know) he looks at me and says; “take your time.”

On our way back I purge several times and each time he waits patiently and says; “the cleaning…”

That is all he needs to say and although it comes out bright red it doesn’t scare me; I know exactly what he means and I feel it has to come out. Most people in the group purged and were faced by immense difficulty and I feel so smug I had Gabriel to myself just for little while. It’s what I needed. 

When I arrive back on my mattress I fully surrender and I connect to a universal consciousness of love and beauty. I feel my soul so deeply. I start sobbing. I sob and sob and repeat “mama, mama.” I feel I am being looked after by her. It all makes sense. Mama, the giver of life. 

She feels so pure and I experience a heightened sense of beauty with all the energy that I am seeing. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now but right here feeling my soul and connecting to the Universe.

I could write and write but I have to wrap it up. I will leave you with this. 

Once we start to perceive the world beyond what we can see, hear, taste, touch and smell,

when we fully accept there is a non-physical reality and allow ourselves to get into the wonder and the magnificence of the guidance that is around us and within us, that is when we truly start living.

I’d like to leave you with a paragraph of a mind-expanding book that I am reading called The Celestine Prophecy. 

Four centuries ago we shook off our own feeling of being lost by taking matter into own hands, by focusing on conquering the Earth and using its resources to better our own situation, and only now can we see what happened. Our focus gradually became a preoccupation. We totally lost ourselves in creating a secular security, an economic security to replace the spiritual one we lost. The question of why we were alive, of what was actually going on here spiritually, was slowly pushed aside and repressed altogether. 

Working to establish a more comfortable style of survival has grown to feel complete in and of itself as a reason to live, and we’ve gradually, methodically, forgotten our original question…